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I was on the verge of something good... Below are 6 entries, after skipping 10 most recent ones in the "Jakey" journal:

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April 15th, 2006
05:31 am


Guess What?
You're all just jealous because you're not dating Britney Spears.

Current Mood: tiredtired

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April 7th, 2006
12:49 pm


I haven't written in here in a minute and I just felt like it today. For the last 2 weeks or so, I've felt so blah that I can't even explain it. I've just felt so horrible and I have no idea why. Everything sucks right now. Which is not really a big surprise but I can't do anything about it. Well, I could but I don't really want to. I hate being alone, I hate seeing everyone I know with a boyfriend/girlfriend, and I hate feeling like I need another person to make me happy because I don't. All I really need is to be happy within myself first. The problem with that is I don't think I ever will be happy with me. So I guess I'm trying everything and anything that will make me block out the unhappiness I've felt for so long. How do you block out something that's become a part of you? I don't think I'll ever not be unhappy because it's part of who I am. At least that's how I see it. I hate trying to push something out of my mind and yet it's staring me in the face. That sounds crazy but it's what's kinda been going on with me for awhile now. I think I try a litte too hard to handle shit on my own and I think that's one of my flaws. I know there are people around me who will listen to my crap and give me advice but I don't grasp the concept of having people be there for me because I've never had that before. Sometimes I wish I could erase certain people and certain incidents from my brain and since I can't, I have to suck it up and accept them. I'm tired of sucking everything up. I just want one day where I can get up and not have to accept the pile of shit that is my life. Hell yes, this shit is melodramatic but if everyone else can be a fucking drama queen all the time, I can have my one day. I guess that's it. I've been dramatic enough for today. We leave for NFG in 15 days. FINALLY!

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Ryan Cabrera - Photo <33

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October 24th, 2005
03:45 am


I Stole It
First Best Friend: nikki levy
First Screen Name: it was o-town related
First Piercing: ears
First Crush: Joey R.
First Music: evey
First Car: none
First love: ...
First stuffed animal: no clue

9 Lasts:
Last Cigarette: nevah!
Last alcoholic beverage: no idea
Last Car Ride: couple of hours ago
Last Movie Seen in theaters: Must Love Dogs I think
Last Phone Call: Delilah
Last CD Played: Ryan Cabrera "Take It All Away" <33
Last bubble bath: awhile ago
Last time you cried: a little bit earlier it's been awhile since I cried a lot though

8 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: nope
Have You Ever Been Arrested: not yet
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: nevah
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes
Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Then Regretted It: Nope
Have Ever had a Suggestive Dream About Someone You Knew: ALL THE TIME
Have you ever had sex: Do you know who I am? I'm a Diva.
Have you ever cheated: nope

7 Things You're Wearing:
1. bracelet
2. necklace
3. glasses
4. underwear
5. t-shirt
6. tank top
7. pumpkin pajama pants

6 Things You've Done Today:
1. rode in a car
2. talked to slutface Jos
3. slept
4. thought about one thing WAY TOO MUCH
5. screamed at the tv cuz of Cabighead
6. watched tv

5. Things you ate today:
1. doritos
2. meatballs
3. sunflower seeds
4. fun size snickers
5. bread

4. People You Can Tell [ALMOST] Anything to:
1. The Divaz
2. Mayra
3. My Grandma
4. I've always told everything to the stuffed cat I sleep with because she can't talk anyway

3 Choices:
1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Cold
3. Sun or Rain: Rain

2 Things You Want to Do Before you die:
1. Get my picture with Sarah Michelle Gellar
2. wake up one day and realize I'm happy

1 thing you regret:
1. No point in having regrets if you can't fix them.

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Last Train Home - Lostprophets

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October 10th, 2005
04:06 am


Why is love so difficult?
It's difficult to find, it's difficult to keep feeling, and it's difficult to receive love in return. It's just a whole bunch of bullshit. I used to believe in soulmates and stuff like that. I even believed in love at first sight for a second. (Keep in mind I was like 12.) I stopped believing the first time I really got my heart broken. I'm not getting into that right now but getting my heart broken made me realize love is something that taks a long time to develop. The crappiest part about this is I can't even find a guy to attempt to love. At least not anyone who's available so they can attempt to love me back. Although, I don't think they'll end up loving me. I think they'll end up leaving me with the quickness. Seriously though, I'm really tired of seeing all these happy couples. (Even if they are both ugly.) They still have something I don't have... someone of the opposite sex to love them like that. It's so sad for me because not having someone makes me feel like shit. God knows I don't have to feel like shit anymore than I already do. I just can't help it. I kinda feel like I wouldn't be good enough anyway. Maybe 'not good enough' is the wrong words for how I feel. I feel like once a guy is with me he'll realize I'm not what he was expecting and he'll leave me. I get attached real quick if I really care about someone. I'm pretty sure I'll always end up getting my heart broken. So just to avoid all of that, I'm purposely making myself seem like I don't want someone to be with. Does that make sense? Whether it does or it doesn't, it's what I'm doing and I hate that I do that but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know anymore. I guess I need to just accept that I'm suppose to be alone.

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Silence

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August 16th, 2005
05:18 am


This is fairly true...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: television

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August 11th, 2005
07:47 pm


I'm waiting for Big Brother to start. I'm worried Kaysar won't be coming back. He better be though. I met Garrett Hedlund and a bunch of other people the other night at the Four Brothers premiere. All these girls all wanna know who he is on ohnotheydidnt . There's a post with pictures from trl and in the comments all these girls are like "OMG WHO IS THAT?" I don't want to share him with anyone but my friends and the people in the garrett community because they were already fans. NO NEW FANS. I'm crazy. I'm gonna make a banner that says "LEAVE GARRETT HEDLUND ALONE." I may actually do it too. I'm thinking about it. I'd spread it around for everyone to use. OMG! 9 minutes til big brother. I'm nervous about it. We'll see what happens.

Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: wheel of fortune

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