I don't even know anymore. I need serious consuling and even more serious amounts of meds. I swear I do. I make no sense and I'm so confused all the time that I can't even make one decision without second guessing myself. I neved used to be like this. This trait as seemed to develop over the last few years. I've been so angry for so long that I finally exploded. I've pretty much cut everyone off for the past few weeks because I need to just not go out in the world and do new things that will make my head more of a mess. I need to figure out the shit that's already in there first before I start putting new things in my head to make myself even more crazy.
I hate that I'm afraid all the time of everything. I hate that when I make a decision, I'm always looking over my shoulder to see if I made the wrong one. Lately, I've made a lot of wrong decisions but things will get better... maybe. I hate that I can't ever fully express what I'm thinking. I hate that when I do fully express what I'm thinking, I feel like an asshole because whatever I said makes whoever I'm talking to look at me like I'm a fucking alien. I just think far too much and that makes me crazier. I hate that I don't feel safe anywhere at any time. I hate that on that rare occasion that I do feel safe, it goes as quickly as it came. I hate that I feel so inadequate all the time. No matter where I am or who I'm with.
I don't even know what's going on with me. I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of caring and I'm tired of everything. I feel like crap and I hate it.