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I was on the verge of something good... Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Jakey" journal:

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October 17th, 2007
01:43 am


I really hate so much right now. I work like a damn dog and I wish I didn't. My heart's pretty much broken and it's been broken for pretty much years over stuff I can never change. That's probably what kills me the most about everything that's going on. That I live through it with a broken heart.

I've pretty much felt alone for most of my life. The only person I've ever really felt completely myself with stopped talking me after 14 years. I guess that's a thing called life for you. I'm just sick of people and the things they say. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so scared about so much. I feel like no matter what I do I'll never feel content about anything in my life.

Just everything seems so off to me. Even all the good stuff that's happened to me this year. It all seems sort of like the world and fate are just building up for something completely horrible to happen to me. Everybody knows nothing good happens without something terrible waiting to happen right behind it. I'm waiting for the bad stuff to drop on me.


Current Mood: anxiousanxious

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October 16th, 2007
04:30 am


What do you do...
when you figure out love is all that matters after all?

Current Music: Carrie Underwood - So Small

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June 25th, 2007
11:32 pm


Ahhh those childhood memories...
I was at work today and I remembered about the year my friend and I were ghetto clowns for halloween. No idea what it meant then and I still don't know what it means now but that's what we were. It hits me now that we used a ouija board that night too. It was pretty creepy. It's funny how memories just kind of creep up on you. Just randomness I guess.

I met Brad Pitt and I cried while doing it. That was fun.

Here we are at the premiere for "A Mighty Heart."

I always wondered how cameras can capture a single second in time. I find it kind of strange that it's possible. The camera is probably the invention that irks me the most but I love it and I love pictures.

I'm going to stop being lazy and post my pictures here. I have nothing else to do. So, more to come.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Cartel-Lose It

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May 10th, 2007
05:27 am


Garrett Hedlund HotnessCollapse )

Current Mood: tiredtired

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April 12th, 2007
12:35 pm


I don't know

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April 8th, 2007
12:01 pm



About damn time I get to see her. They're the two red carpet premieres of the movies. Love her.

My birthday's in a week and a half. YAY!

TV week's coming in a few weeks. More Jared & Jensen, more cw nobodies, and unfortunately, no D. Wahlberg. Sorry Scrotch. More Sarah that week too.

I hate NBC with a passion. Stupid network TV cancels all the good shows and keeps all the crap on for more than one season. Hate that.

Watch The Black Donnellys Monday nights on NBC at 9pm. Download them on Itunes the next day.

Current Mood: tiredtired

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July 25th, 2006
06:23 pm


New Found Glory
I guess it's time for this. I thought it would later rather than sooner but here it is...

Over the past 3 and a half years I have spent I don't know how many days and even more wallets full of money following 5 guys who mean more to me then I'm pretty sure even I know. I have spent I don't even know how long getting to know these guys and so many more countless hours waiting on line to get into their shows just to be up front because for some reason it's so important to me. Regardless, I still do it. When I feel good, when I feel bad, when I feel healthy, and when I feel sick. We've been to 12 or 13 states to see them and after all the shit we've been through to get to these places, I wouldn't change a thing about any of it. Mostly, I wish we had more money so we could see them more because apparently, it's coming down to the wire. Although I don't want to accept it, it's kind of staring me in the face at this point. I'm pretty sure someday soon, I will not have to wait to see them anymore, I will not have to wait to hear new music, and I will not have to wait for tour dates anymore. The wait will just be over and that will be it. I know I'm being ridiculously dramatic but I love them so much. Some of you get it, some of you don't. I'm just nervous, scared, and worried that I may never see them again and it's killing me. I'm by no means rich which means I can't just fly all over Florida and California to see them once they're not New Found Glory anymore. I'm just rambling now because it hurts. If you see them, tell them Jakey and Arleen need you so you can't leave them.

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June 28th, 2006
04:45 am


I'm a mess...
I don't even know anymore. I need serious consuling and even more serious amounts of meds. I swear I do. I make no sense and I'm so confused all the time that I can't even make one decision without second guessing myself. I neved used to be like this. This trait as seemed to develop over the last few years. I've been so angry for so long that I finally exploded. I've pretty much cut everyone off for the past few weeks because I need to just not go out in the world and do new things that will make my head more of a mess. I need to figure out the shit that's already in there first before I start putting new things in my head to make myself even more crazy.

I hate that I'm afraid all the time of everything. I hate that when I make a decision, I'm always looking over my shoulder to see if I made the wrong one. Lately, I've made a lot of wrong decisions but things will get better... maybe. I hate that I can't ever fully express what I'm thinking. I hate that when I do fully express what I'm thinking, I feel like an asshole because whatever I said makes whoever I'm talking to look at me like I'm a fucking alien. I just think far too much and that makes me crazier. I hate that I don't feel safe anywhere at any time. I hate that on that rare occasion that I do feel safe, it goes as quickly as it came. I hate that I feel so inadequate all the time. No matter where I am or who I'm with.

I don't even know what's going on with me. I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of caring and I'm tired of everything. I feel like crap and I hate it.

Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: Full Blown Rose - Somebody Help Me

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June 14th, 2006
04:22 am


1. The last person I kissed was: Sadly, my cat Waffer

2. Never in my life have I: felt completely comfortable with someone.

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always
manage to make me laugh: Grandma

4. The high school I went to was: About half full of hot ass guys.

5. When I'm nervous: I fidget. (sp?)

6. The last time I cried was: Today actually. I found a valentine I made when I was in kindergarten that says "happy valentine's day mom and dad." =*(

7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: Dunno who the groomsmen would be but the maid of honor would be grandma and whoever could be bridesmaids.

9. My hair: needs to be dyed again ASAP.

10. When I was 5: I went through the most traumatic experience of my life.

11. Last Christmas: was uneventful just like every other one.

12. When I turn my head right, I see: darkness.

13. I should be: sleeping

14. When I Look Down I See: my laptop.

15. The craziest recent event was: probably missing an NFG show.

16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: Ross. I'm funny in a stupid way and I'm a nerd. I get nervous easily and I would have a job like working in a museum.

17. By this time next year: I'll be working and in school. There's nothing else to do.

18. I love: If I love it, you all already know about it.

19. I have a hard time understanding: a whole lot of shit.

20. One time at a family gathering: WAY TOO MANY STORIES FOR THIS!

21. You know I like you if: I act the same pretty much all the time and I hate everyone. I guess you know I like you if I share something with you because I'm selfish.

22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank is: Grandma

23. Take my advice:
Love is the worst thing ever created, you can't help how your heart feels, and do whatever you want because if you don't, you're gonna regret it.

24. My ideal breakfast is: HATE THE WHOLE IDEA OF BREAKFAST. The whole getting up early in the morning doesn't work for me.

25. If you visit the place I grew up: You'll see a lot of immigrants, a lot of trash in the street, and a place where I've made most of my memories in my life.

26. Soon I plan on visiting: Grandma. If you mean a far away place, it would have to be germany. Maybe not soon but someday.

27. If you spend the night at my house: You will jumped on by a puppy and hungrassed by a cat.

28. I'd stop my wedding if: it wasn't Ben Foster standing next to me. Seriously, if I knew the guy cheated on me or if he didn't love me.

29. The world could not do without: MUSIC

30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: ever see certain people again.

31. The most recent thing I bought myself was: Food

32. The most recent thing someone bought for me is: Food

33. My favorite band is: New Found Glory, Ryan Cabrera, Matchbook Romance, The Matches, and a bunch of other ones

34. My favorite brunette is: Sarah Michelle Gellar

35. My favorite redhead is: Alyson Hannigan

36. My family: is the most dysfuctional family I've ever seen in my life.

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: cats.

38. I probably shouldn't have: ever made any friends in my life.

39. Once, at a bar: I sat with Cookie Madison and talked for like 2 hours.

40. Last night I: was online.

41. There's this guy I know who: is marrying an alien.

42: I don't know: anything about anything.

43. A better name for me would be: crazy.

44. When I go back to school I'll: Waste a seat and money sitting somewhere bored out of my mind.

45. My birthday is on: April 18th.

46. What I really want for Valentines day:
i dunno

47. I'm wearing: black old navy pj pants and my Ryan Cabrera shirt.

48. Tomorrow I am: looking for a job.

49. The last thing I ate was: a sandwich.

50. I really want to learn: how to cover up how I feel better.

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Silence

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June 12th, 2006
05:16 am


I haven't written in here in awhile. Since April, I have met a bunch of people who were on my list of people I wanted to meet, cried over Sarah being in New York and me not knowing where she is, and I've slept a lot.

Now that you're caught up on my life, let me tell you what's going on right now. It's 5:17 am and I can not sleep because I am anticipating the possibility of actually finally meeting my <3 SMG. It's been almost 10 years in the making. It's about time I meet the bitch.

Anyway, I am DISGUSTED in the way Chad is carrying on with an alien. When me marrys her, I am going to cry. She's a worthless piece of crap.

I don't even know what else to say. My brother bought a dog. He's cute but a MESS.

I guess that's it. I'm too tired to think.

I will either come home disappointed tonight or crying from being happy.

Current Mood: awake

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